Enchanted Arms

2008-12-07 21:54:08

Enchanted Arms(Xbox 360)

I constantly get trapped by the call of Roleplaying games. This much should be obvious since I'm writing articles on a website called RagingGeek of all things, but sadly despite all forms of logic I find myself getting trapped into J-RPG's. J-RPG's are criminal, they really shouldn't even be called RPG's at all, since they are commonly filled with 1. Grinding your face off until you are 999th level capable of doing 9999 damage unless the game has "limit breaks" which break some false limit and let you do over 10k damage, in which case they are simply just that much more retarded, 2. Filled with Emo pseudo-males with overly large hair, large weapons or incredible locked away power who are the only ones who can save the planet from thier relative/god/dragon, and 3. Standard crap Anime Conventions such as the dumb guy, the highly intelligent guy, the overly happy guy, the small girl, and of course robots, 4. They follow a linear story arc with limited sidequesting and random fights every 2 feet of movement to assist with the Grinding aspect mentioned before.

So the latest web of RPG lies I dived into in my insufferable thirst for Xbox 360 RPG's was Enchanted Arms. The premise is simple, and if you have played 1 JRPG then you know the basic outline - Teenager out to save the world. But the premise this time is more complicated, you start out in your magic enchanters private school in Yokohama City, you are the class clown and idiot Atsuma. Atsuma thinks with his stomach most of the time. Something happens and Atsuma and his flamingly homosexual friend Makoto, and his brilliant yet still dumb enough to hang out with retards and people who press unwanted sexual advances upon him friend Toya, get to go investigate. As you investigate the earthquake that occured at the school(while you were out playing hookie) Atsuma finds his stray mutt he considers his dog, and is lead down a tunnel. This tunnel takes them to a secret underground passage that holds one of the biggest forms of evil the Enchanted Arms world ever knew. Devil Golems.

Basically the Devil Golems are a type of magic crafted robotic that kicks ass chews bubble gum and turns the world into a parking lot all before breakfast. So what happens? naturally Atsuma goes down and wakes up the evil queen bitch of the north, The Queen of Ice.

So with that frozen bitch woken up you get fucked up, your friend Toya gets captured and used as a puppet for the machine, and Makoto just disappears off the face of the earth. You wake up in Jail and are greeted by your new companions Raigar and Karin, the old head of the Knights of London city and the Princess of London City, they then follow you along the rest of the way smashing every Devil Golem that the Queen of Ice tries to wake up, while simultaneously being partly responsible for waking up the golem in the first place. Which leads me to wonder, if you're helping the enemy as much as you are destroying it's plan, what the hell is the point of the adventure? why not just shoot yourself and be done with it all.

The entire game consists of running around, fighting robots that have gone berserk, and periodically being called an Idiot. Now the premise initially seemed humorous. Like "Oh I see what you did there" in a way to mask the game giving you a tutorial by making it seem like your character just didn't remember how to do the things which he would be doing the rest of the game. But it continues past the tutorial stage in which at every opportunity that your character is prompted he will make some completely incorrect observation or a reference to eating food. While it can be whimsical at times, the rest of the time you're trying to figure out how to sharpen the 360 controller into a Shiv so you can cut out your frontal lobes through your eye sockets. This also extends to the obligatory romance potentials between Atsuma, Karin, and the constantly called a little boy Yuki. For some reason almost every girl in the game seems to want a piece of our dumb protagonist.

To help temper this abortion further, it's one of those RPG's with false choises built right in, False choices are complete and utter bullshit, they waste my time, and do nothing. So many times in this game was I presented with a question with 2 or sometimes more responses, and if I picked any but the right one someone in the party would tell me off, or I'd be laughed at and would be presented with the same exact responses again. This kind of circular bullshit is annoying, if what I say has no effect in game, then why the fuck bother asking me, just have my character do the talking and we'll continue to wade through robotic zealots to the end of the game.

Speaking of end of the game. I've made it through this game almost all the way to the end, When faced with the final boss I have my ass whipped in less than 1 turn. We're not talking just barely defeated, I'm talking totally annihilated as if I am not even half the level I should be to endure this abuse. I have leveled and geared my way all the way to the end with only the occassional snag of death during combat, but I've otherwise did the sufficient grinding when necessary to make it through those parts. Only to be told at the end by the Queens massive frozen cockscicle in my ass that I'm not even level enough to be her prison bitch. Upon the realization and multiple loads later that there is no way luck is involved in this brutal massacre of my anus, I grabbed the disc and slammed it back into the case, bashing it against the TV stand a few times for emphasis and swearing that someday I'll get even with the Queen of Ice, but to be honest, the best way to get even with her is to just not play at all.

Here's a tip to those "designers" who made this abortion of Anime/RPG. It's called scaling difficulty accordingly! If I can beat every sub-boss in the game with relatively no problem and only leveling periodically and not grinding, then the boss should be only slightly more difficult. According to the guide for this game however I would need to gain something like 20-40 levels before I could even step up against the Queen. It is certainly possible I may not be cut out for JRPG's, I want to like the kinds of games my peers say are epic pieces of work, but whenever I hear that generic crash sound followed by uptempo music and the warping in of random monsters from monstar table Plains_01 I groan, especially when those generic crashing sounds occur every other step. I have to admit I'm more of a Western RPG fan, where the environment is more free-roaming, questions have a purpose other than to '10 print "giggle", 20 goto 10', and characters are actually more human than retards, flaming homosexuals, girls who wear bullets for a necklace, and princesses who have temper tantrums while appearing to be in their 20's.

As for my recommendation, if you want to gargle more Nipponese Developer Penis you can't go wrong with this blazing pole of fuck, but I have to say that JRPG's will only get better the second most gamers put down the cock and quit cooing off of fan-service and pretty CGI movies. The gameplay is shit and like most JRPG's the reply value is non-existant. 2/10 for the biggest Japanese Abortion since Godzilla.


Reason Rank
Start 10
Being called an idiot all game -3
Standard JRPG Conventions -1
At least it's a XBOX RPG?